More Laffs
Posted on February 28, 2007
Continued from yesterday - A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers…
(the last one is my personal favourite)
”Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your
service. I know you’re all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you’ll want to crossover to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.”
”Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let’s take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now…. ‘Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall…..’.”
“We are now travelling through Baker Street… As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don’t think about things like that”.
”Let the passengers off the train FIRST!” (Pause .) “Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I’m going home….”
“Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with ‘Please hold the doors open.’ The two are distinct and separate instructions.”
“Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.” ”We can’t move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door.”
“To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of ’stand clear of the doors’ don’t you understand?”
“Please move all baggage away from the doors.” (Pause..) “Please move ALL belongings away from the doors.” (Pause…) “This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways!”
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Wot a Laff
Posted on February 27, 2007
I normally hate people sending me email jokey things but I have to admit I did have a bit of a laff out of this one sent by a British mate:
Why We Like The British - FROM BRITISH NEWSPAPERS
Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, “We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It’s possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.” (The Daily Telegraph)
Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van because they cannot issue a description. It’s a Special Branch vehicle they don’t want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)
A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, “This sort of thing is all too common”. (The Times)
At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn’t have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. ( Aberdeen Evening Express)
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The Loneliness of the Long Distance Rower
Posted on February 26, 2007
I’d been listening to Andrew McAuley’s brother on the radio on the days before the ocean rower’s disappearance and just thought how much I admired him kayaking from Australia to New Zealand - so brave and ambitious. So sad to hear he was lost at sea, his last words recorded as ‘Help. Sinking.’ He was only 30 nautical miles from NZ when the kayak capsized and he drowned, it would appear.
Took me back to memories of an old friend Peter Bird who was a ocean rower, He had rowed the Atlantic with several others - an vowed to go solo forever more! Then he rowed San Francisco to Sydney, solo. BUt it was during is attempt to row from Vladivostok that he met a similar fate and was never found.
I met Peter in London in 1977 where he was a photographer and he was such a larger than life character, so full of energy, it was hard for anyone who knew him to accept he had simply disappeared into the ocean. He was always being asked why he would attempt such gruelling trips and he had a variety of answers but the one that always run true for me was that he couldn’t bear the humdrum of a job. He was a true adventurer and always looking for the next one.
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End by Ecstasy
Posted on February 21, 2007
My heart goes out to the family of local girl Annabel Catt, who died over the weekend after taking Ecstasy. My daughter came home from school talking about it as Annabel was dance teacher to several of her friends.
She looks like such a vivacious, gorgeous girl and had obviously put a lot of work in to become Vice-Captain of her high school and to achieve what she had in dance - and to lose her so easily. Her parents must be absolutely heartbroken.
She’s not the first to die as a result of party drugs - and sadly won’t be the last.
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Local Hero
Posted on February 20, 2007
Great story today about a bus driver who was sitting in traffic in Newtown and saw a man dash out of a shop with an armful of books and CD’s (bit of a culture vulture!).
The bus driver leapt from his seat and gave chase. Another bystander joined in and they brought the thief down, and made a citizen’s arrest. Apparently the driver popped back into his seat and received a standing ovation from the passengers.
This reminded me of a story my son told me when he worked in a department store in a country town and the shop assistants were expected to pursue - give chase! - and detain shoplifters.
Anyway, a fellow came in and helped himself to an appliance and headed out the door at speed, hotly pursued by two assitants. A third assistant, who was having lunch outside a cafe, observed the unfolding scene, leapt up, crash-tackled the offender and, having handed him over, went back to his lunch. All in a day’s work.
Makes writing look like a pretty boring career choice.
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